I feel so selfish when I cry about my dad. I have such an amazing family and an amazing support system, and I really should be completely content with all that I have. I know people that have grown up without both of their parents and I’m fortunate enough to have the loving and caring family surrounding me that I do. But it’s like this constant feeling of something missing from my life is always pushed down and somehow manages to resurface at the most inopportune times. I am immensely grateful for every individual in my life, and I’d like to think I make that known to them, but I can’t seem to emotionally detach from the one person who has singlehandedly hurt me the most. And I feel like because of that, I am so incapable of even allowing anyone to really get to know me. I’m really not this emotionless girl I’m probably perceived as being. I’m more compassionate, empathetic, and sensitive than people would care to believe. And while I don’t feel I have to validate that, I feel I do need to clarify. Maybe writing this out will help to understand my feelings a bit better, for both myself and whomever is reading. I think I’ve gone through a fair amount of bullshit with my dad, and I feel that putting up with that bullshit has cost me a lot in the long run. I’ve wasted a lot of my life blaming myself for circumstances and situations beyond my control, and even more of my life failing to stand up for myself. I won’t go into detail about what exactly I’ve gone through with my dad, but I will say that I’ve given him more control over my emotions and actions over the course of about 13 years than he deserved. Me being guarded and coming off as uncaring is almost a natural reflex, as bad as that sounds. It’s hardly the case, but I guess keeping my emotions hidden has been the only thing really keeping me together all of these years. When you don’t care, nothing matters. Nothing hurts, nothing penetrates because the walls you put up are far from permeable. Yeah, I thought it would be the best way to cope in the long run, and I’m discovering now that it wasn’t the healthiest idea. I dont want to be thought of as this hard, uncaring, heartless woman, because I’m probably one of the most caring people you’ll meet. But I don’t really know how or where to begin dealing with all of these bottled up feelings. I don’t know how to start tearing down these walls I’ve built up, and it scares me, because I really want to change, for not only myself, but for everyone in my life. They deserve a better me, and I genuinely want to give that to them. I know now that none of what I went through was my fault but what I really want to work on is forgiveness. I’m so bitter, and as hard as I try not to be, I can’t seem to get away from it. I think allowing myself to truly forgive will be what really helps me grow as an individual, and right now, I’m only looking to better myself. I’m not posting this to really receive any sympathy or anything of the sorts, because I don’t really want any of it. I just thought that I could help myself, and help you guys understand it in the process.
